2019-2020 Dorm Leadership Photos

The Freshman's Guide to Surviving GOTCHA Week

Good job young freshman! Despite ignoring my advice of not dating after WOW week, you've manage to survive your first few weeks of school, made good friends, and have decent grades!

Get ready to say goodbye to ALL of that.

GOTCHA week is upon us, and the entire campus turns into a giant "kill-or-be-killed" battle arena where only the strong and the clever survive. Friendships will be shattered, classes will be skipped, and sleep will be lost.

So what extensive wisdom do we offer to equip you for surviving this campus wide blood-bath?

WIN. Whatever it takes, whatever the cost. Play hardcore, sacrifice everything, and you'll be kissing that sweet sweet cash prize soon enough. Here's how it's done:

Screw your grades and social life.
You think you can get through gotcha with a decent GPA and friends? WRONG. This is exactly the opportunity to prey on those who are actually concerned with doing well in school. Their fateful minds are focused on the things of this world. Skip every class and dorm event, and hunt all those who actually attend them.

Die to yourself.
Because this is Masters, I always have to find a way to Biblically justify my methods. In Gotcha week, you become someone else. Shave your head, paint your skin, and get plastic surgery if you need to. The less of "you" that exists, the better (Luke 9:23).

Claim that bathroom stall you'll be camping out in for 5 hours.
Hunting takes planning. Is your target on C-dub third floor while you live in Hotchkiss? Time for a little camp out.

Screw your health.
Skip that cafe. Skip sleep. Skip breathing. While everyone is watching out for these things, you're here to get them while they least expect it. Sure, you'll be coughing up blood next week, but you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

Get your target by any means necessary.
Sweazy girl getting off of work in lower-cafe at 10:00pm? Looks like it's time to get a group of guys together and literally kidnap her! *(cough, c-dub, cough)*
What's that? Your target is running away? Let's all physically incapacitate her and make sure she goes nowhere! *(cough, hotchkiss, cough)*

If you don't play, you're lame.
I don't care if you think there is more to life than this game. You're wrong. I've been playing for three years straight, and even though I don't have any friends and I'm still a freshman because of all the classes I failed, I have no regrets. We're shooting for that eternal reward.

Never accept defeat.
The judges have no idea what they are talking about. Who cares if they're composed of members from every dorm and just want to make it a fun week. If they tell you that you lost "fair and square," get angry and throw a temper tantrum that would make a five-year old jealous. That's what I've done every year so far, and if we get more people to do it, the judges will stop being unfair. This game is not meant to be played casually.

There you have it guys! Let's get out there and start killing each other!

Appendix: Gotcha Dorm Guide

HOTCHKISS
Hotchkiss is a strong contender for Gotcha every year, but that's mainly because of their demonic powers and cultish network. If you betray Hotchkiss as one of their own, prepare to face the cleansing process of re-baptism in the Hotchkiss pool. The only means of redemption is to die to yourself.

DIXON
Dixon has a few competitive members, but often they simply fade into the background during Gotcha week since they don't value it as much. Remember when the Dixon catchphrase was "Why be savage when you can just chill?" Yeah, that pretty much sums up their competition here. Dixon is simply too nice and sweet for the blood-fest that is gotcha week.

SLIGHT
Slight is already like an impenetrable military bunker in which the fearful may hide, and oh, many a Slight resident does indeed hide. Slight residents play the "hit-and-run" strategy of charging out of their dorm, taking a kill, and then disappearing inside to never be seen again.

WALDOCK
Waldock is like an untapped goldmine of potential. There is such a strong sense of camaraderie between the men here, but it is never truly utilized. Sad.

C-DUB
C-Dub is always somewhere in-between every year. One year the men essentially became the Mafia and started blackmailing its own residents to join its alliance or instead be terrorized by their betrayal. This alliance quickly dissolved faster than an ice cube in an oven. Most of the time, C-Dub's lack of Dorm spirit and leads to it's own unfortunate downfall.

OFF-CAMPUS
Whoops, almost forgot to include this one, but then again so did everyone else. Good luck catching these guys, because they're slippery.

SWEAZY
You've heard the legends about how some men and women turn into mythical beings known as "werewolves" when bathed in the crystal light of the full moon. Thus does the light of Gotcha week do so to the female residents of Sweazy dorm. They become beasts, hardly resembling the sweet women that invited you to the lounge for tea and a game of ping-pong a week ago. United by a collective consciousness and a lust for blood, Sweazy becomes a monster that no man should ever face alone during Gotcha week, which is why they've won two years in a row.

Sweazy dorm disqualified from Gotcha after being exposed for their use of time of travel

TMU's ASB cabinet has announced today that all student residents in the dorm Sweazy will be automatically disqualified from Gotcha this upcoming semester in light of recent evidence of their use of time travel to achieve victory each year.

"For the past four years, Sweazy has carelessly overstepped the integrity of the Masters University Code of Conduct... as well as the space time continuum." ASB President, Mauricio Farrell stated on the recent disqualification.

According to reports, each Sweazy student was supplied with a complementary state-of-the-art technological watch that allows them to enter how far back they want to travel to. Whenever a Sweazy student is caught by another student or fails to catch their own target, they would simply travel back in time to when before they failed and would rewrite the timeline with their new knowledge. Once these reports surfaced, they incited immense student backlash against the Dorm's involvement with the game, inciting ASB to disqualify them.

"This reckless misuse of quantum technology has the potential to rip a hole in reality itself, as each change to the timeline has a butterfly affect of immense proportions. Sweazy has created several paradoxes within our reality that could threaten to end the universe itself." Said famous Philosopher Brian Morley.

Rumors have begun to spread that some Sweazy residents have accidentally erased themselves from time itself. While there is no way to prove this (since we wouldn't remember their existence in the first place), the rumors do fit well with Dr. Morley's theory on quantum space-time travel.

This recent action taken by ASB on the use of the supernatural in competitions has been quite controversial in TMU circles. Many question why ASB has only now chosen to act, since it has easily overlooked Hotchkiss' blatant use of demonic otherworldly forces to win the Masters Cup in the past, as well as C-Dub's supernaturally unexplainable ability to literally lose at everything.

For further reports of this upcoming Gotcha competition, subscribe to the Meandering Mustang.

John MacArthur announced to be included as playable character in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Roster

This week at Nintendo Direct, Masahiro Sakurai announced that they have finally decided to include the most fan-requested character in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate: Chancellor John F. MacArthur.

When asked why it wasn't until now that MacArthur was included in the roster, Sakurai had this to say: "Our policy simply doesn't allow any school presidents to be on the roster, but as soon as MacArthur became chancellor, that changed everything!"

MacArthur's playable move-set is as follows:

Special - Study Bible Slam: The chancellor throws a heavy, 25th Anniversary edition MacArthur Study Bible that works as a projectile attack.

Down Special - Strange Fire Extinguisher:  MacArthur summons a shield around himself that renders him invincible to any magic projectiles or attacks.

Up Special - Expositional Elbow-Drop: MacArthur flies into the air before quickly coming down with a powerful elbow drop on-top of his secular opponents.

Side Special - J-Mac Smack: MacArthur does a powerful shoulder charge, using skills from his football days, that is capable of knocking an opponent off the stage.

Final Smash - Doctrine Demolition - MacArthur pulls out the word of God, which very literally pierces the other players through the divisions of soul and of spirit, of joints and marrow, immediately removing two stock from every enemy combatant (because they didn't fear the second death).

Fans were thrilled by the announcement, and the subject immediately sprung to 1# trending on twitter.

Also, Nintendo announced that new Mii Fighter costumes resembling Abner Chou, Paul Plew, and Grant Horner are on their way.

For further updates on John MacArthur's inclusion to the Super Smash Bros. roster, subscribe to the Meandering Mustang.

Hotchkiss Accidentally Summons Dormmamu to Earth after performing Haka

Reports came in today that Hotchkiss has once again accidentally opened a wormhole to the dark forces of the spiritual realm. Dormammu, the inter-dimensional entity who rules the Dark Dimension and possesses apocalyptic levels of supernatural power, has just arrived above Hotchkiss Hall, and has claimed it as his throne.

Witnesses claim that several Hotchkiss students were performing the ceremonial New-Zealand tribal dance known as the "Haka" outside the dorm lounge while practicing for the Masters Cup. Upon its completion, everyone was unsurprised to see the fabric of reality itself tear apart as the demonic entity crossed over into our world.

"Yes, you have done well my servants. This world is now my world, and we shall spread my darkness to every molecule this reality offers!" Dormammu exclaimed as he emerged from the evil parallel universe.

"Their excessive misuse of the Dark Arts has gone too far. The students of Hotchkiss have set in motion a pre-mature apocalypse once again." Said C-Dub residential director Daniel Sheaffer.

Professor Suzuki, who spent several years studying the dark dimension, had this to say on the issue:
"If you've been wondering why the sky suddenly turned the color of dark red/purple, it's probably because Dormammu has just begun his process of Dark Re-Terraformation of the earth. Hoho, we're in big trouble now."

Andrew Copley, Residential Director of Hotchkiss Hall, was recently seen approaching Dormammu whilst wearing a strange, eastern-looking necklace. Several students claim they heard him say: "Dormammu, I've come to bargain" as he stared into the vicious glowing eyes of dimensional being.

For further updates on Dormammu's presence on earth, stay tuned into the Meandering Mustang.

The Freshman's Guide to Surviving WOW Week

Welcome to The Masters University, young, naive, and awkwardness prone freshman!

As you prepare to begin your journey into the grand world that is TMU education and culture, you must first pass the great entrance ceremony that all who came before you have faced: WOW Week (Week Of Welcome Week).

WOW Week perfectly emulates the experience of being strapped to the back of a giant mechanical bull which is cranked up to the highest setting. Also, a couple hundred people are also strapped shoulder to shoulder with you on the same bull and chances are you don't know any of them yet.

It's going to be awesome. 

...unless you're an introvert, then it might sting a little.
Either way, it's an adventure that you'll never forget!

But fear not young student! I have compiled an honest list of the best and worst "do's" and "dont's" made by students who have done all of these "do's" and "don'ts." Every returning student or TMU alumni has been guilty of at least one, if not all of these dreadful missteps, Just read this list and feast upon the wisdom of the mistakes that we sadly already made!

HOW TO SURVIVE WOW WEEK

10. Don't hide in the background or cling to one person the entire week.
The WOW leaders are here to hold your hand as they introduce you to the TMU world. However, many a student has refused to let go of that hand. Give em' a little space.
I understand. This is all pretty intimidating, and you might be feeling homesick. We've been there. You probably have one or two people you're close with right now; your roommate, or a friend from your hometown. But WOW week is all about making connections, and if there is anytime for you to break out of your shell and make friends (which will be inevitable), this is it! Show up to the events. Initiate conversations. Hang out with people on the wing. Take advantage and start building relationships. You'll never regret it.

9. Don't impulse buy and waste all your money for the semester.
This tends to happen sometimes. You went to the mall or to an expensive meal place with your new friends and all of you decide to blow a ton of cash on new shoes or a ton of unnecessarily expensive food. Let's see how cool those shoes look on you as you sit groveling at the entrance to Dixon, begging them to make you a free meal with their exceptional cooking because you only had a 10 meal weekly plan. You'll need that money later in the semester. Trust us.
(Proverbs 20:21)

8. Don't Viciously murder all of those who stand in the way of your victory at the Masters Cup
The Masters Cup is a ton of fun and a pretty serious event, don't get me wrong. Your RA's and RD have probably been hyping this up like crazy for the past week. But there have been times where the fun has vanished. Arguments over who gets to do what come up every year, and then pride swells like an allergic kid after a bee sting. Peace with those around you is more important than winning a small college event (Romans 12:18). Just have fun, it's a great time.

(8.5. But still, you should totally go to the Masters Cup)
The only crime greater than going too far in the Masters Cup is skipping it entirely. It's so fun. Don't pass it up, even if competition "isn't your thing."

7. Please, for the love of God, just get some sleep.
Every night, the dorms become a party house. The guys hang out and play Super Smash Bros. and the girls talk about life hour after hour until the sunrises. Next week you're diving headfirst into classes, so don't kill yourself and make sure you get a good amount of sleep every night. Otherwise you'll just be a walking corpse for the rest of the week.

6. Don't (Physically) Skip the Lectures
This was the defining characteristic of last years class; they skipped EVERYTHING. The lectures can be long, and a lot of them are just going over safety drills or procedural stuff, but there are important shreds of knowledge that the staff offers that will really pay off in the future. Take notes on your phone or something for the important bits, and then you can sleep through the rest. Just don't sit near the front, because some of them are super boring and you'll definitely want to play on your phone without looking like a tool.

5. Avoid Ditching your WOW Group on Purpose
Listen pal...
We know that you may feel like your WOW group just isn't "cool enough" or it's "awkward." But every year we get those people, the people who just ditch their WOW group and join another. Sometimes they'll ditch their WOW group to hang out at Magic Mountain one-on-one with an attractive guy/gal. Don't be those people.

4. PLEASE, JUST STOP sharing your "very emotional/inspiring" testimony with literally everyone you meet.
Ah, this was by far my most repeated mistake during the tragic ballad of my WOW week. We know you want to make a good impression. We also know that you have an incredible, tear-jerking testimony that you're positive everyone needs to hear. Take our word on this one: Save it for when it matters, then it will matter more.

3. Prepare for the storm...
There is a storm coming. It begins right after WOW week. The freshmen have neglected the cafeteria salad bar, forgotten to take their Emergen-C, and now the plague has begun. Sickness spreads like a wildfire here at TMU, and everyone falls victim. That one cute and confident guy you liked to hang around for the week will be halfway in the grave next week, sniffling and using all 8 of his chapel skips in one week (somehow). This happens EVERY year. Please take care of your body dear student, otherwise the plague will take you and all that you love during the first week of classes. Just take it easy on the cafe ice cream.

2. DON'T DATE... ANYONE... AT ALL...
When I asked other students for what they believed the worst mistake you could possibly make during WOW Week was, the masses screamed this at me in one unanimous and very powerful voice. There is a name for these types of relationships: Wowmances. A wowmance is known just as well for it's quick and swift beginning as it is for it's equally swift end. Sure, you may make it to a month if you're lucky. But honestly, one week is far too short a time to get to know someone well enough to believe that they are "the one." We all know that marriage is on your mind because it was on ours (and low-key, kinda still is). But woe to the one who dates during WOW week! Misfortune always seeks them out.

(2.5. Seriously, just don't try to date anyone at all)
I don't care if you knew them before you came. Just don't do it.
Sometimes people get crushes on their WOW siblings, or even their WOW mom/dad. Ewww. Woe to the one who dates during WOW week!

1. Accept the fact that mistakes will be made.
WOW week is a truck-bed full of excitement, fun, and emotion. Everyone has their awkward moments, bad decisions, and impulse purchases. I'm almost positive that not a single student has made their way through the week without making many of these mistakes. I wrote these down because I made many of these mistakes myself. If you're an upcoming student, you're going to make a mistake. If you've been here before, you've already made them. Therefor, it's okay to be kind to yourself. The mistakes help you learn and grow. Christ has the sin part covered, and everyone around you is in the same boat.

Well there you have it! Get ready for a ride unlike any other mustangs. We're super stoked that you're here.

Honestly, TMU is one of the best places on this planet to grow in Christ-likeness, and I wouldn't trade my time here for anything.

In the mean time, don't date anyone.

Top 10 Most Uncomfortably Romantic Spots on Campus

Dear Student, are you looking for the ideal, attractive, godly partner to share the rest of your life with?

Me neither!

The problem is that there are a lot of those people at TMU. ALOT. And a good 80% of them only came to this school to find that very thing.

But don't worry, I took the time to compile this list of all the places you want to avoid being stuck alone with the opposite sex in. If you avoid these places like the plague, I guarantee that somehow you won't be infected with that contagious TMU dating atmosphere.

10. The Hotchkiss Pool
This is the only place on campus where guys can take their shirts off in public during the daytime. Enough said. Get behind me Satan.

9. C-Dub Upper Lot Parking a.k.a Rape Lot
I know what you're thinking. "I'm too busy worrying about being shanked to be in love up at Rape Lot." WRONG. This upper parking lot has one of the best views of Newhall. Those dazzling bright lights will hypnotize your soul to give into its lustful desires. And don't even get me started on the romantic lighting from the street lights up there. You're better off parking all the way down at Swixon if you live in the Dub.

8. Hotchkiss Lounge after dark
If the demonic chants don't already scare you away, the excessive amount of cuddling couples should.   If you come back late after studying in the library, I recommend sprinting through the lounge doors and into your wing with your arms stiffly held behind your back like an anime character.

7. That bench under the tree in front of RCSM
You'll only ever have to pass by this if: a) you own a car and will use it to drive and grab food from the cafe. b) You're a science major and are destined to see this sight every day. Either way, there's only enough room for two. Make sure you're not one of them.

6. Anywhere in the Outdoor Seating in Lower Cafe
If you're an introvert, you probably take your meal from Upper Cafe down here in a to-go box every day. If you're not, then this is the ideal place to "get to know someone better." There's that two-person table right at the front that everyone can see as they walk up to grab their meal or coffee. The worst part, is that this place is so public that making eye contact with someone of the opposite gender dooms you to a week of teasing from your friends. If you know what's good for you, walk along that concrete path that goes along the front of the building and come through the back door next to the mail room. Crisis averted.

5. The Middle of the Baseball Field in like the Middle of the Night
This one isn't that hard to avoid, but there have been times where I came out of night class and made my way across this field of mistakes. Look there's a shooting star! Zipping away along with your purity.

4. Sharing the Library Ark Study Desks, which are really meant to for one person.
The only way two people can fit into these desks is if they are literally shoulder to shoulder, and that's  getting more physical than I ever have in this life. I'm always so disappointed with how often people forget the 11th commandment: Leave room for the Holy Spirit.

3. Under the Oaks/Gazebo a.k.a Sheol
No one wants to be here. Ever. Not even the people who like all this romantic stuff. You only end up in Under the Oaks if something has gone wrong. May God have mercy on the souls who have a DTR here.

2. The Gate
This is the gate at the end of Placerita Canyon Rd. You've probably gone on a run down here every now and then. But after dark, this is where couples silently float back forth like wraiths in the shadows: mere shells of what they once were before. I'm pretty positive this road is haunted at night.

1. The Cross
You know exactly what I'm talking about. You also know why it is 1# on this list. Legends say that every night, a random group of students comes up here. It also has a higher daily attendance by couples than any of Dr. Chou's classes. Usually a guitar or ukulele is involved. You alone with someone of the opposite gender there? No matter what you do or say, this place oozes with romance. You know it. You've been there.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen! Since everyone is so scared to just go on casual dates to get to know each other over coffee or a meal, here is your list to avoid all that awkwardness of your friends assuming marriage is in order after you were seen talking to that nice girl in Lower Cafe.
Considered your purity permanent!

Adam Ashoff Signs on to Star as Lead in All Four Sequels to Box Office Hit "Avatar"

With the recent news of Avengers: Endgame dethroning James Cameron's Avatar as the top spot at the "all-time grossing" movie record, the media is desperate for any information on what Cameron's plan is to regain the top spot with his upcoming sequel, Avatar II. In a recent interview, Cameron answered this very question with this emphatic statement:

"Three words: Adam Freaking Ashoff."

Mr. Ashoff himself confirmed his casting on twitter, uploading a picture of himself starring as the new lead, saying: 

"Feeling cute, might single-handedly break box-office records... idk."

You may know that our fearless and inspiring Director of Student Activities, Adam Ashoff, "came out to Los Angeles in his beat up Honda Civic to pursue a career in acting." He decided to drive out to LA in pursuit of being casted as a pirate for the Pirates of the Caribbean movie franchise. Though this *supposedly* did not happen (some have said to have spotted him in the third movie), his acting career was mostly small. Instead, the Arnold Schwartznegger look-a-like has done large things for TMU and GCOMM which is obviously more important #kingdomwork.

Anyway, what you may not know is that Avatar has not just one, but four sequels scheduled in the making. It will be interesting to see what the incredibly detailed and immersive world and astoundingly forgettable characters have in store for us (do any of you remember the MC's names?). 

But one thing that will not be forgettable is seeing what role Ashoff will play in this epic. Many theorize what his charisma, strong build, and love for the God of the Bible will bring to this production, especially because he is casted for all four movies. 

"Adam's charisma is like a protein shake in a blender with the cap off. It's just what I need to regain my throne as the highest grossing director of all-time." -  James Cameron.

Will Ashoff live out his dreams and be casted as an Boba-Fett/Treasure Island space pirate who comes upons the planet? Or will the films take a more serious note and will two groups of missionaries come to the planet--One with the goal to colonize and spread false doctrine in comparison to the other group that will spread the biblical gospel? Probably not the latter, but what theories do you have? Let us know in the comments below...

Keep checking back to The Meandering Mustang and see what happens!

Security discovers Music Major living in practice rooms who never realized the semester had ended

Yesterday, campus security discovered Junior music major, Hannah Brooke, halfheartedly playing the piano in the downstairs practice rooms of the MRH building. Authorities say that Brooke was rambling on about "chord progressions" and "inversions" before they broke the news to her that the school semester had ended two months ago.

"We were just doing a mandatory security check. Upon entry, we noticed that empty boxes of pizza and soda cans were scattered across the floor. Upon further inspection, we found the young woman with matted hair and dark circles under her eyes, banging her head against the piano." said security guard Ryan Selga in an interview with The Mane.

Upon hearing this news, Brooke began quivering and shedding tears, realizing that she had been suffering under the crushing weight of a semester that was never taking place. 

"I just lost track of time! The practice rooms have become a part of who I am. I don't think I can just move on." Said Ms. Brooke.

Her family was reportedly extremely happy to receive her home. They are currently nurturing her and helping her with the symptoms of her practice room withdrawal.

For further updates on Hannah Brooke's condition, stay subscribed to the Meandering Mustang

Senior Comp Test for English Majors Changed to Professor Horner Lead Half-Dome Survival Climb

As always, the Master's University is working to have world-class academics with a Christian perspective. The English Bachelor degree is amongst many majors which have a final senior comprehension exam. This exam dictates whether a student is able to walk in graduation or walk the plank and show up to graduation dripping wet.

A recent inside source reveals that esteemed Doctor Grant Horner is wanting to change the senior exam. Previously the exam consisted of writing five-page analytic essays on Moby Dick, The Iliad, and every Harry Potter book along with diagramming Ephesians 4:3-14 (a 202 word sentence). Instead of all this, Horner is thinking about pursuing a more simple and classical method instead: oral examination with physical exertion. Horner is known for his academic prowess, and his ability to drive to Yosemite on a weekend, climb El Capitan in 20 hours, and then walk back into class without a sunburn Monday morning. Now, he is thinking that this dynamic of academics and physical exertion is exactly what will set TMU's English department apart and bring greater Christlike character. The senior comp exam will then be a Half-Dome rock climb ascent featuring oral examination, sanctification, and flexation led by Horner himself.

Seniors beware! Our source says that those who can't recite sections of "Paradise Lost" whilst climbing are doomed to fail. Yet there may be hope: making it under 17 hours (Horner's record making first ascent time of El Capitan) is an automatic pass. Other possible questions may be about how Bella Swan is like King Saul, how the Bible, Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars all have the same storyline and how Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream is a parallel with the book of Proverbs. It's too soon to tell how intense the questioning will be,  because you may not be able to speak from sheer climbing exhaustion. What about those physically unable? They will have to undergo stimulation of the climb by being plugged into the same rig featured in Ready Player One, asked many questions, and will feel the emotions and physical tiredness of a Music Major during juries. 

How then to prepare?
Climb that tree in your backyard 4 times a day along with 127 pushups, 77 Bible arm circles, and a YouTube military ab workout. Make sure you're able to analyze a sonnet, make a limerick, recite Paradise Lost and Calvin's Institutes word for word, be able to cross reference Lord of the Flies with Pride and Prejudice, understand postmodern thought influenced by Fredrick Nietze, dive into the themes in Frankenstein, and yes, you still probably have to diagram Ephesians 4:3-14.

TMU will be offering an English Senior Seminar boot camp next summer, led by that really buff guy that is in the guard shack. Register on content management.

Good Luck seniors on preparing this summer!

For more updates about senior comp exams study tips, follow the Meandering Mustang.

NEW 4DX D-Box experience for TMU Chapel announced

This week, Director of Student Services: Adam Ashoff, announced publicly on Twitter that The Masters University has partnered with the South Korean CJ Corporation to integrate cutting edge 4DX D-Box cinematic technology to their chapel services.

"We've been noticing that most students fall asleep or tend to doze off during chapel after pulling 'all-nighters' and such. This is our effort to keep students fully engaged with the worship and sermons preached every week."

Students will be required to wear 4DX glasses that will "draw them into the experience like never before."

"Worship and sermon slides will appear as though they are right in front of the wearer. Johnathan Nah himself will appear so close that you'll be able to notice the smallest flaw in his otherwise perfect hair cut."

Reports say that the newly implemented D-Box chairs will be designed to move with the beat and melodies of chapel band, and also will track with any motions or movements made by the preachers on stage. 

John Macarthur himself was brought in to test the technology by making hand motions as he would usually do when preaching. President Macarthur smiled as he watched the chairs follow his hands, leaning left to right, spinning around, and rocking violently back-and-forth every time he shook his fist.

"It's always encouraging when you can visually see the ways God affects other people's lives through you." said President Macarthur.

Thanos agrees to return infinity stones after several counseling sessions with Dr. Greg Gifford

At approximately 4:00pm on Sunday June 2nd, Thanos, the titan responsible for wiping out exactly 50% of your loved ones, publicly announced that he has agreed to return the infinity stones to the Avengers to restore life to the universe.

When questioned on this sudden change of heart, Thanos revealed he had been meeting with Dr. Greg Gifford concerning spiritual life following “the snap.” 

Dr. Gifford patiently worked through the 8 "I's" of counseling with Thanos, diving into the heart issues of why he does what he does. In the end, Thanos was convicted of his actions, realizing that his heart idol was balance.

“Christ will make creation perfectly balanced, as all things should be.” The Mad Titan stated after confessing his life to his newfound savior Jesus Christ.

“You see, I explained to Thanos that if he gets biblical change right, what begins to take place is that he must put off the old man, be renewed by the Holy Spirit, and put on the new man.” Dr. Gifford said when talking about the counseling process with Thanos.

"It's a good thing Dr. Gifford wasn't one of the 50% wiped out in the snap!" exclaimed one Biblical Counseling student.

When questioned on what he believes will become of the universe now, Thanos had this to say:

“Dread it, run from it, destiny comes all the same. Christ is inevitable.”

After saying this, Thanos walked off to watch the sun set on a grateful universe.

Dr. Chou taken up into heaven by flaming chariot after accidentally discovering both the day and the hour of Christ’s Return

Reports came in today saying that TMU's very own hermeneutics genius, Dr. Abner Chou, has been physically escorted to the pearly gates after he accidentally discovered not only the day, but also the hour of Christ's return.

Dr. Beals reported that minutes before his departure, Dr. Chou came peacefully out of his office, silently smiling to himself. Beals reported that the short professor had been studying eschatology intensively the past few hours, specifically on the return of Christ. After walking down the hallway, the tranquil man reached out his hand to pat Beals on the shoulder, saying "It's my time now."

"That said enough" an emotional Beals later explained in an interview. "The only reason that ol' Abner would willing leave so quickly is if he learned something that he wasn't supposed to."

Dr. Chou reportedly led Dr. Beals out of their office and onto the empty baseball field. Soon after, the two were shocked by a bright light and the sound of hooves echoing across the sky. A flaming chariot soon landed with a whirlwind on the green grass before them.

"As the Lord lives, I will not leave you!" Beals emphatically stated, realizing the truth of his friend's departure.

"The integrity of scripture must not be compromised. This is the Lord's will" replied Abner.

"Please, let there be a double portion of your spirit on me after you leave!" Beals begged.

"As the Lord lives, it will be done. Are you with me on this?"

With those last words, Dr. Chou stepped into the chariot, and was taken up into heaven to be with his Lord.

The Meandering Mustang is still awaiting a response from The Masters University on how the institution will move forward in light of Dr. Chou's sudden departure.

Who We Are

The Meandering Mustang is a satirical blog dedicated to humorous commentary on the life, leadership, and lessons that can be experienced as a student at the Masters University. It is extremely important that the reader understands that little to none of the published material is to be taken as seriously, and that all reports are purely fictitious despite being edited to look otherwise.

Our goal is to provide entertaining content that uplifts the campus morale and spirit of the Masters University, while also sharing shreds of wisdom that me and my co-authors have gained during our own time here at TMU. We understand that many will read our articles and could easily be offended by our sarcastic manner, but we have no desire to offend or discourage anyone. We seek to support the leadership and lifestyle here at TMU, and wholly affirm its doctrinal statement and code of conduct. Here's to reporting the news that never happened!