Dear Student, are you looking for the ideal, attractive, godly partner to share the rest of your life with?
Me neither!
The problem is that there are a lot of those people at TMU. ALOT. And a good 80% of them only came to this school to find that very thing.
But don't worry, I took the time to compile this list of all the places you want to avoid being stuck alone with the opposite sex in. If you avoid these places like the plague, I guarantee that somehow you won't be infected with that contagious TMU dating atmosphere.
10. The Hotchkiss Pool
This is the only place on campus where guys can take their shirts off in public during the daytime. Enough said. Get behind me Satan.
9. C-Dub Upper Lot Parking a.k.a Rape Lot
I know what you're thinking. "I'm too busy worrying about being shanked to be in love up at Rape Lot." WRONG. This upper parking lot has one of the best views of Newhall. Those dazzling bright lights will hypnotize your soul to give into its lustful desires. And don't even get me started on the romantic lighting from the street lights up there. You're better off parking all the way down at Swixon if you live in the Dub.
8. Hotchkiss Lounge after dark
If the demonic chants don't already scare you away, the excessive amount of cuddling couples should. If you come back late after studying in the library, I recommend sprinting through the lounge doors and into your wing with your arms stiffly held behind your back like an anime character.
7. That bench under the tree in front of RCSM
You'll only ever have to pass by this if: a) you own a car and will use it to drive and grab food from the cafe. b) You're a science major and are destined to see this sight every day. Either way, there's only enough room for two. Make sure you're not one of them.
6. Anywhere in the Outdoor Seating in Lower Cafe
If you're an introvert, you probably take your meal from Upper Cafe down here in a to-go box every day. If you're not, then this is the ideal place to "get to know someone better." There's that two-person table right at the front that everyone can see as they walk up to grab their meal or coffee. The worst part, is that this place is so public that making eye contact with someone of the opposite gender dooms you to a week of teasing from your friends. If you know what's good for you, walk along that concrete path that goes along the front of the building and come through the back door next to the mail room. Crisis averted.
5. The Middle of the Baseball Field in like the Middle of the Night
This one isn't that hard to avoid, but there have been times where I came out of night class and made my way across this field of mistakes. Look there's a shooting star! Zipping away along with your purity.
4. Sharing the Library Ark Study Desks, which are really meant to for one person.
The only way two people can fit into these desks is if they are literally shoulder to shoulder, and that's getting more physical than I ever have in this life. I'm always so disappointed with how often people forget the 11th commandment: Leave room for the Holy Spirit.
3. Under the Oaks/Gazebo a.k.a Sheol
No one wants to be here. Ever. Not even the people who like all this romantic stuff. You only end up in Under the Oaks if something has gone wrong. May God have mercy on the souls who have a DTR here.
2. The Gate
This is the gate at the end of Placerita Canyon Rd. You've probably gone on a run down here every now and then. But after dark, this is where couples silently float back forth like wraiths in the shadows: mere shells of what they once were before. I'm pretty positive this road is haunted at night.
1. The Cross
You know exactly what I'm talking about. You also know why it is 1# on this list. Legends say that every night, a random group of students comes up here. It also has a higher daily attendance by couples than any of Dr. Chou's classes. Usually a guitar or ukulele is involved. You alone with someone of the opposite gender there? No matter what you do or say, this place oozes with romance. You know it. You've been there.
There you have it ladies and gentlemen! Since everyone is so scared to just go on casual dates to get to know each other over coffee or a meal, here is your list to avoid all that awkwardness of your friends assuming marriage is in order after you were seen talking to that nice girl in Lower Cafe.
Considered your purity permanent!
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