Interview with a Stereotypical Masters Guy

We sat down with Ethan Johnson, the most stereotypical Masters student we could find, to get the inside scoop on what its like to be the human equivalent of the color beige.

Mustang: Alright Ethan, tell us about yourself.

Johnson: Hey guys. My name is Ethan Johnson; I’m from like Oregon or Washington. I’m a Bible major but have literally no direction in life. I live in CDUB with my roomate Josh Miller, and love coffee.

Mustang: Fascinating. Tell us about your childhood.

Johnson: My dad was a pastor, so me and my five siblings were always at church growing up. I was homeschooled all my life, but I was at church a lot so I have some semblance of social skills. I played a lot of basketball and football with all of my three friends when I was younger, and I’m pretty sure I could go pro if I wanted. But I won’t, because reasons. 

Mustang: Very inspiring. What do you like to do for fun?

Johnson: If I’m not playing Intramurals with the boys, you can find me playing Smash or studying my Bible. Or studying. Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m currently in the library reading five books at the same time. 

Mustang: Thank you Ethan, very cool. Tell us about some of your favorites.

Johnson: I like to think of myself as a very unique individual. I listen to John Mayer and Relient K; in my rebellious phase I listened to three AC/DC songs. My favorite shows are the Office and Parks and Rec. I also follow football very closely and am a boss at Super Smash Bros. I play guitar too; ladies, hit me up if you want to meet up at the cross and have a jam session. Since we can't drink like other college students, I've substituted coffee for beer, and go to coffee tastings and stuff. My entire wardrobe is from Old Navy and Patagonia. So yeah, you could say I’m a pretty standout guy.

Mustang: Wow, way to set yourself apart from the crowd Ethan. Tell us about your time at TMU.

Johnson: If I’m not hanging out with my roommates in CDUB or desperately trying to get a girlfriend, I’m probably making a joke about how bad the caf food is, or benching 400 at the Fitness Center. I’ve spent my entire tuition for next semester on Trophy Coffee, and now have a crippling caffeine addiction. It’s cool though, I’m getting help. I go to Grace Com, but hang out exclusively with people from Masters there, so I’ve never actually met anyone new. As a Bible Major, I can look down on everyone else for not being as sanctified, which is super tight. 

Mustang: Incredible. Your story is amazing. If you had one thing you could say to our readers, what would that be? 

Johnson: If there are any ladies out there please date me. I’m a junior and I don’t have that much time left. I’m dead serious, I’d even date that one girl from Dixon at this point. Meet me at the gazebo we can have a DTR. 

Mustang: What a spectacular cry for help, Ethan. It’s been an honor to interview such a spectacular unique individual as yourself. If only everyone could be like you.

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