Interview with a Stereotypical Masters Guy

We sat down with Ethan Johnson, the most stereotypical Masters student we could find, to get the inside scoop on what its like to be the human equivalent of the color beige.

Mustang: Alright Ethan, tell us about yourself.

Johnson: Hey guys. My name is Ethan Johnson; I’m from like Oregon or Washington. I’m a Bible major but have literally no direction in life. I live in CDUB with my roomate Josh Miller, and love coffee.

Mustang: Fascinating. Tell us about your childhood.

Johnson: My dad was a pastor, so me and my five siblings were always at church growing up. I was homeschooled all my life, but I was at church a lot so I have some semblance of social skills. I played a lot of basketball and football with all of my three friends when I was younger, and I’m pretty sure I could go pro if I wanted. But I won’t, because reasons. 

Mustang: Very inspiring. What do you like to do for fun?

Johnson: If I’m not playing Intramurals with the boys, you can find me playing Smash or studying my Bible. Or studying. Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m currently in the library reading five books at the same time. 

Mustang: Thank you Ethan, very cool. Tell us about some of your favorites.

Johnson: I like to think of myself as a very unique individual. I listen to John Mayer and Relient K; in my rebellious phase I listened to three AC/DC songs. My favorite shows are the Office and Parks and Rec. I also follow football very closely and am a boss at Super Smash Bros. I play guitar too; ladies, hit me up if you want to meet up at the cross and have a jam session. Since we can't drink like other college students, I've substituted coffee for beer, and go to coffee tastings and stuff. My entire wardrobe is from Old Navy and Patagonia. So yeah, you could say I’m a pretty standout guy.

Mustang: Wow, way to set yourself apart from the crowd Ethan. Tell us about your time at TMU.

Johnson: If I’m not hanging out with my roommates in CDUB or desperately trying to get a girlfriend, I’m probably making a joke about how bad the caf food is, or benching 400 at the Fitness Center. I’ve spent my entire tuition for next semester on Trophy Coffee, and now have a crippling caffeine addiction. It’s cool though, I’m getting help. I go to Grace Com, but hang out exclusively with people from Masters there, so I’ve never actually met anyone new. As a Bible Major, I can look down on everyone else for not being as sanctified, which is super tight. 

Mustang: Incredible. Your story is amazing. If you had one thing you could say to our readers, what would that be? 

Johnson: If there are any ladies out there please date me. I’m a junior and I don’t have that much time left. I’m dead serious, I’d even date that one girl from Dixon at this point. Meet me at the gazebo we can have a DTR. 

Mustang: What a spectacular cry for help, Ethan. It’s been an honor to interview such a spectacular unique individual as yourself. If only everyone could be like you.

Subscribe to the Meandering Mustang for more groundbreaking interviews and fascinating stories. 

Gauntlet Achieves Mission, but with a Surprising Twist

The TMU Coronavirus Task Force was successful in their efforts to bring all the students back to campus, but not as any of them expected. 

We spoke with Mike Nesheim about what’s happened. “We told Stead to concentrate on three things: Donor Funds, bringing all the students back to campus, and resurrecting Cathie, in that exact order.” However, there was an error in communication.

“Stead ended up creating a time jump that transported us to the start of the Fall Semester,” said Harry Walls. “So yes, the students are back now, technically, I guess.” Walls went to go ponder the whole situation in one of his fifteen Camaros. 

“Am I mad? It could be worse,” said the anonymous Hotchkiss male. “I mean [redacted] is back on campus now and I don’t have to wait months to ask her out. So hey, I guess there is a silver lining…besides missing an entire summer of my life.” When asked if we could reveal his first name, Josh said yes. However, at TMU, this is still the equivalent of being anonymous.

In other news, Student Accounts discovered $5,000,000 in donor funds miraculously transferred into their system. We spoke with James Phillips, but he would neither confirm nor deny on whether it was from Dr. Stead’s Snap. “Let’s just say that the Lord provides in mysterious ways,” said Phillips.

Joe Keller was sighted hauling off the time machine to unknown whereabouts, which explains how he arrived in Asgard in the first place. The time machine was originally going to be used in Tricia Hulett's next musical, but it has not been seen since Keller was sighted.

Cathie also has been resurrected by Stead’s snap after her apparent death on Vormir. Reportedly, right after materializing, she went back to making pizzas at the caf, yelling something about ID cards on the way there.

Follow the Meandering Mustang for more groundbreaking news and insider information.

Faculty Gather Last Two Infinity Stones, Prepare for Stead's Snap

After two close run-ins in the past, Sam Horn and Mike Nesheim have safely returned to the TMU gym with the two Infinity Stones they set out to retrieve.

“I touch down in New York and grab the Mind Stone, and guess who I ran into? John MacArthur!” MacArthur was reportedly younger and unfamiliar with who Sam Horn was yet. “MacArthur began to talk of the injustice of stealing, even after I explained the reason for my heist. Suddenly things escalated, and he whipped out his signature edition of the MacArthur Study Bible. I booked it out of the building as fast as I could.

We spoke with Mike Neshiem about his role in the time heist. Nesheim first showed us his ion repulsor cannons mounted to his shoulders. “You like these? They’re nanotech; plant ops has been working on them all semester. Amazing what donor funds can do!” When asked about his mission, Nesheim said, “Yeah, I had to go all the way back to 1970 to get the Space Stone. I ended up on the campus of LA Bible College and explained my case to CW Smith. Who knew there was actually a guy named CW Smith! What a trip. Anyway, Smith and I retrieved the stone from the bunkers under what would later become Rutherford, and after I thanked Smith I booked it back here.” 

The tone was cautiously hopeful as the Gauntlet was unveiled at Rutherford this morning. Each team member put their stone in the gauntlet, after lighting a small candle in memorial of Kathy, who sacrificed herself on the planet Vormir. Sam Horn sang “Dust in the Wind” in tribute to her sacrifice.

Walls shed a single tear. “Whoever puts on the Gauntlet is also going to concentrate on bringing Kathy back. And also on adding $5,000,000 in donor funds to our accounts.” 

“This one’s for you [-redacted-],” said the anonymous Hotchkiss male who retrieved the time stone. “I was gonna ask her out to Monty’s. Now I’m going to make sure I get that chance.”

“The question was always ‘Who’s gonna wear the gauntlet?” said Nesheim, making some final adjustments to his nanotech suit. “Naturally, we decided this responsibility should fall in the lap of John Stead. “

“Am I scared? No,” said Stead. Asked about a rumor that he was very eager to do it after discussion of the duty falling to Walls, Stead declined to comment.

Stead and the team have gathered in Rutherford, and will initiate the Snap to finally defeat the Coronavirus later this afternoon. Stay tuned for updates as this is a rapidly developing situation.

Hulet returns from Asgard after run in with Joe Keller

The Meandering Mustang is Happy to report that Dean of Men Dave Hulet has returned from the realm of Asgard with the Reality Stone. We were able to sit down with Hulet and discuss his mission, and the surprise run-in he had in the Norse paradise...

“I rounded the corner of this massive Asgardian palace, and who did I run into? Joe Keller!” Hulet laughed. “I’m not surprised honestly. I always knew that his leaving to get involved elsewhere was just a front for his long term retirement on the Norse planet.”

Hulet described Keller as relaxed and laid back as always, and said he talked about how much he enjoyed the intentional community of Asgard. Keller also described how he never needed to go to Target alone, as there is no Target to go to on Asgard. Keller left shortly due to Asgardian breakfast starting, and he wanted to get there while it was still hot.

“It was great to catch up with Joe and reminisce on old times,” said Hulet. “We’re going to use the Bifrost to get him to get teach at Man Camp next year. And if he can't make it, Abner can always pinch-hit.”

From what we gather, Hulet ran into Keller in the past, but Keller was his present self, which means that present Keller was given a lift on a future version of Nesheim's time machine into the past. It’s all very complicated, but then again, so is Joe Keller.

We are still waiting to hear back from both Nesheim and Horn on the status of their mission. Stay tuned to the Meandering Mustang as this is a developing situation.

Cathie’s Sacrifice: Infinity Stone Retrieved, Caf Worker Lost

In a shocking turn of events, Cathie, who traveled to the planet Vormir to retrieve the soul stone, sacrificed herself to save The Master’s University. The news was broken to the student body by Shayna Anderson.

“It is with the deepest regret that I must inform our campus community that Cathie is with us no more,” said an email sent out by Anderson. We were able to meet with Harry Walls in King Hall and get the inside scoop on what happened on the planet.

“It was a crazy turn of events. We get to Vormir, and this red-faced guy tells us that we have to sacrifice what we most love. Now, I wasn’t sure how I was going to throw the entirety of the Master’s University off the side of this cliff, but before I knew what happened, Cathie dove off the edge, to sacrifice her job. Then BOOM! I’m in a puddle with this glowing rock. What a day.”

“Cathie is a true hero; maybe we just didn’t see it at the time,” said Mike Nesheim, inventor of Friday Fellowships and a quantum time machine. “I plan to rename the Caf “Cathie’s.” The kids can call it the Cath for short.” Nesheim proceeded to slap his knee and chuckle to himself.

“I’m shocked. I wish I had been nicer to Cathie in hindsight,” said an anonymous student from Slight. “I never knew how much she actually cared about this place. The caf will never be the same.” The student proceeded to sneak into the caf without their ID. 

Campus security has ramped up surveillance on the bagels at the caf, as higher theft is expected without Cathie’s presence. Plans are currently in motion to build a 30-foot rock carving of Cathie’s face into the hill behind the caf. The budget for Cathie’s face is to be taken out of the fund for to-go boxes, as no one really uses those anyway. 

The Meandering Mustang sends our condolences to the friends and family of Cathie. Services are yet to be announced, as there is still hope of her returning with a snap of Nesheim’s Infinity Gauntlet.