TMU Freshman’s Opinion on COVID Vaccine Dependent on Whatever His Crush Thinks

 It’s been a bizarre year for TMU freshman, Joshua Joshuason. Finishing high school and starting college under the cloud of COVID-19 has led to many adjustments and challenges for the new Marketing Media major, not least of which include navigating the various opinions on how to deal with the pandemic. Many Americans are conflicted about receiving a vaccine, with views ranging from concerns about the speed at which it was developed, to more elaborate warnings that Bill Gates is using it to lay eggs in our brains. When asked to comment on what he thought about students receiving either the Pfizer or Moderna vaccines, Joshua remained confidently unsure. 

“Well, I, uh…it depends on what she thinks,” Joshua blushed as he wriggled, and his Zoom background of Dr. Chou flickered. We eventually got him to spill his beans about a genuine Q-T he had met in the Fall, Hannah Hannahson.  

“She’s really into her essential oils and detoxing, but then again she insists on wearing a mask and social distancing. She seems to prefer staying at least 30 feet away from me and refuses to hug,” Joshua explained, “I’m really not sure what she thinks about the vaccines.”

" Josh? Yeah I know him! What a great brother in Christ!" said Hannah upon being asked about Josh. "He's so agreeable too!"

         Joshua, pillar of independent thought, continued to explain that he would “totally” get vaccinated if Hannah was “game” but exhibited trepidation should she voice any vaccine skepticism.  

         “I, uh, just, like, uh, really respect female voices, but, uh, not like from the pulpit or anything,” he told us.

         When asked about his thoughts on more lighthearted current events, like the second season of the Mandalorian, Joshua chose not to commit to an opinion, saying: “I dunno, bro, Hannah hasn’t watched it yet”.

A New Approach to Campus Security: The Mandalorian Project

With evolving threats to the Master’s University, Campus Security has recently instated the “Mandalorian Project” with full support from the Master’s Board. Bryan Kortcamp has been the lead on the recent security upgrade. We sat down with him to discuss the recent changes. 

“We scrapped everything. Guard gate? Gone. Roaming patrol cars? Gone. All the extra security guards have been scrapped. We poured all our money into building me this sick Mandalorian outfit, investing in a few prototype blasters, and even working with RCSM to build a fully ship that I can use to get across the galaxy, or to North Campus.”

 

TMU Students were notified of the changes via email. We asked students and faculty around campus for their opinon on the armored protector. 

 

“I dig it,” said an anonymous male from Waldcok. “Can’t wait to see what he does in Season Three.” 

“I’m personally not a fan,” said an anonymous female from Dixon. “Me and my friends came back at 12:01 from an extended bake-a-thon off campus. We rolled up the hill, and he dropped out of the sky, pointing his blaster at my Kia. He demanded us to show identification, and threatened to freeze us in carbonite if we didn’t have our ID’s. I think it was a bit overkill.”

“This is a classic 1984 scenario come to life,” said Esther Chua, head of the English Department. “We’ve exchanged freedom for security. Though I must admit, the security is pretty cool. Have you seen his jetpack?”

 

“It’s pretty sick, I’m not gonna lie,” said Greg Gifford. “I’m just waiting to see what they build me. I’m aiming for a Venator Class Star Destroyer.”

 

A representative of the Meandering Mustang was able to follow Kortcamp on patrol. When the surveliance system on the Razorcrest picked up a homeless person who was outside of No Man’s Land, Kortcamp donned his armor and leapt out of the craft. Kortcamp proceeded to fire warning shots at the intruder, and even tossed a small thermal detonator in his direction. The homeless man took off running , screaming something about the bad trip he was having. The individual has not been seen since.

 

Kortcamp now surveys all activity across campus from his ship, the Razorcrest, which hovers high in the sky above Rutherford. “Say what you want, it’s effective,”said Kortcamp, watching a couple ‘study’ in the 3^rd floor of CDUB. “I may have to go break this one up.”

 

If you want to hear more about the Mandalorian or other happenings around campus, please subscribe to the Meandering Mustang. 

Life behind TMU: An Interview with Hobo Joe

 

Anyone who has been on the hike to cross has done two things. They’ve posted a photo of their hiking experience on social media, and also wondered who's living in the canyons below the hill. Many students are aware of the security issues the campus has run into regarding the homeless in the canyons, but few people know the stories of the people in the dusty ditches. The Meandering Mustang sent a reporter to the canyons to find the truth about these individuals. We met an individual named Hobo Joe. This is his story.

 

Hobo Joe talked with us while sitting on his home depot bucket smoking some mystery meat over a sizzling pile of brush. “Oh yeah feller, I been livin here for years. Heck, I been here longer than some of yer faculty. Ya learn to become almost invisible; I sneak onta campus every day and nobody notices.”

Asked about his hygiene habits, Hobo Joe said he sneaks into CDUB every other week at three in the morning and uses their showers. Speaking about his diet, Hobo Joe said, “I just eat da caf food, right out of the back dumpster. The food ain't that great by mah standards; I reckon I mainly eat that there pizza.” 

When asked about what he does to entertain himself, Hobo Joe took us inside his cardboard fort. Inside he had wired up a full home entertainment set up, equipped with Wifi, a Nintendo Switch, and a PS4. Asked about where he got the electronics, Hobo Joe quickly changed the subject.

“I don’t like the word homeless,” said Hobo Joe. “Masters is my home. Ya might say I’m a student here just like the rest of them. I sneak into the library way late at night and read them books. I even go to events! Ya can find me under the bleachers.” After stating this, Hobo Joe saw a small squirrel and leaped after it, screaming something about Vietnam.

 

If you want to hear more stories like Hobo Joe’s, follow the Meandering Mustang on Instagram for updates on new articles.

 

The 10 New Renovations We're Most Excited About

With major renovations being made to The Master’s University in preparation for the Fall 2020 semester, anticipation is at an all-time high. The Meandering Mustang has been given exclusive scoop on many of the renovations the school is currently planning, building, and completing. In no particular order, we’ve put together a list of some of the most notable and exciting additions to life at Master’s. 

1. The Quigley Canyon Bowl

This state-of-the-art venue will be located in the beautiful ambience of the Open Space. It’s goal is to provide quality musical entertainment over the school year. Possible entertainment could include Kanye West, Abner Chou on violin, and that one cringy Blend act we try not to think about. The university is currently in talks with Matt Redman to return, except this time with an American accent as to not cause further confusion. Estimated cost: $200 million dollars

2. Solomon’s Temple

Why send students to the Holy Land itself at IBEX when you can see accurate biblical history on campus? The Temple is a faithful reconstruction of Solomon’s Temple, complete with actual gold plating, live animal sacrifices, and a spiritual light show called “The Holy of Holies.” The targeted site is the soccer field, though the outer courts could stretch all the way to the baseball field. Sadly, it will not work as the perfect dating spot as women are strictly forbidden to go beyond the outer Court of the Women. Estimated cost: $845 million collars.

3. The Wild West Hall

Sick of RDs, RAs, and WAs keeping you accountable, or even just talking to you? Located at the far end of C-Dub lot, the Wild West dorm is a new dormitory without any student staff or dorm leaders, with the purpose of creating the most comfortable and free atmosphere. In this dorm that’s already been dubbed the CHAZ of Master’s, the Student Handbook is heresy and Student Life has no authority. This dorm is the perfect choice for all the slackers, rule-breakers, and hypocrites! Estimated cost: TBD, Student funded. 

4. DTR Center

Everyone knowss the gazebo Under the Oaks is the worst place for a Define The Relationship talk. But it can still be so much worse! The newly-built DTR Center, which will be located at that random grass field on North Campus, would provide such amenities as certified ACBC students to help facilitate heart talks, and loudspeakers inside blaring out your personal drama to the entire campus community, for no reason other than to spread word more quickly than it already does. The dreaded discussions would of course take place in indoor gazebos. Estimated cost: $20 million tear-soaked dollars.

5. Kanye West Voting Booth

This is just an on-campus official state voting booth dedicated to voting for Kanye West in the 2020 Presidential Election. Estimated cost: $500,000 dollars.

6. The Coffee Megacenter 

Why have one coffee shop on campus when you could have five? The Coffee Center would be a minimall of the five most popular coffee shops in the area: Undergrounds, Trophy, Honu, Steeple House, and Starbucks. Located at the previous location of Dixon Hall, which is currently being demolished. Estimated cost: the hard-earned cash of struggling students.

7. John MacArthur Viewing Centre

When Chancellor John MacArthur is working at his desk in the chancellor’s building, Students will be able to purchase tickets to see him through bullet-proof glass. In one of the most exciting renovations on the campus, students will now have the opportunity to view John MacArthur for up to 15 minutes. He can be seen working on a sermon, doing paperwork, and even praying. Payment is by the second. Estimated Cost: $40 million dollars.

8. COVID-bots

With state-of-the-art robotics and AI technology, approximately 10% of the new students will secretly be androids designed to put a stop to any spread of COVID-19. If a student shows any symptoms of the virus at any location on campus, the robots will alert authorities after they terminate the student and burn its remains. Some of the student staff will be also killer robots, occasionally adopting the identities of students who were already attending. The Wild West Dorm will be the only dorm without COVID-bots. Estimated Costs: $700 million dollars per robot.

9. Masters to Grace Hyperloop

Seeing how closely TMU and Grace Community Church are connected, a brand new hyperloop system aims to connect them even more. The TMU-GCC Hyperloop will stretch through the valley, and cut the commute down from 25 minutes to under 30 seconds. Massive parcels of real estate have already been purchased and the construction has begun. Estimated cost: $750 million for the Hyperloop, $900 million to buy the land, and $400 million in damage costs from the accidental forest fire. 

10. The Master’s Homeless Shelter

Located in the canyons behind the cross, the Master’s University Homeless Shelter will feature fine dining, a movie theater, a bowling alley, biblical counseling, and live broadcasting of chapel and a multitude of classes, such as Prof Suzuki’s Studies In Anime class. Showers for the homeless will be carried out as usual in Slight Hall. The center would also be available to all Off Campus students as well. Estimated cost: $45 million dollars.

That wraps up the scoop on the new renovations at The Master’s University! We’re so excited to see these new places in use in the new semester!

UPDATE: There's been talk of a seperate project called 'The Money Holes'. Students are strongly recommended to throw money into random holes across campus. It is suspected that the money from these holes will be used to fund the opening of more coffee shops on campus.

TMU Fornite to replace Microsoft Teams for Distance Learning

The Master’s University revealed that is exploring possible options for distance learning in the Fall Semester. “Obviously, we all want to come back to campus, and as of right now that is the plan,” said Mitch Hopewell in an email sent to students this week. “However, in the event that restrictions are not lifted, we have found the next best alternative to in person learning: Fortnite.” 

We sat down with Harry Walls and got the inside scoop on the new changes to the learning curriculum. “In collaboration with APEX Games, we will now offer most of our courses via Fortnite servers. Faculty will be able to speak with student’s via headsets while hunting them down with advanced weaponry on a new Island.”

The new digital Island will feature familiar and beloved locations from around campus for students to gather and snipe each other, such as ‘The Cross’, ‘Under the Oaks’, and even ‘Homeless Encampment’. “We’ve designed this place to offer everything our campus has, and more,” said Walls while throwing a grenade at a Dixon girl. 

The distance learning platform will offer such options such as downloadable skins, to make yourself look like John MacArthur, Abner Chou, Sam Horn, or a plethora of other characters. New weapons will be available also, such as ‘JMAC Study Bible Launcher,’ which shoots a beam of pure spiritual conviction straight into another user’s character, or ‘DTR Grenade’, which functions as an insta-kill.

“It’s so immersive,” said a student who tested the new platform. “Microsoft Teams has nothing on this. I really feel like I’m there. Me and my dorm mates set up a match, and it just transformed into a Bible Study. Someone bought the bonus pack with virtual guitars and we were able to have a worship night last week.”

Faculty have found the transition beneficial as well. We spoke with Esther Chua, head of the English Department, to gain her insights on the new platform.

“DIE NOOBS,” yelled Chua, mercilessly gunning down a few of her students hiding in bushes. “Oh, what do I think of it? It’s the best thing we’ve ever had. If we do come back in the Fall, I’m still teaching through this. Not a lot of instruction goes on to be honest, but in between matches we talk about books and other stuff.”

The school is working with APEX Games to create an IBEX server, with the entire nation of Israel recreated in digital form. Check back with the Meandering Mustang for more updates regarding TMU Fornite.

Interview with a Stereotypical Masters Guy

We sat down with Ethan Johnson, the most stereotypical Masters student we could find, to get the inside scoop on what its like to be the human equivalent of the color beige.

Mustang: Alright Ethan, tell us about yourself.

Johnson: Hey guys. My name is Ethan Johnson; I’m from like Oregon or Washington. I’m a Bible major but have literally no direction in life. I live in CDUB with my roomate Josh Miller, and love coffee.

Mustang: Fascinating. Tell us about your childhood.

Johnson: My dad was a pastor, so me and my five siblings were always at church growing up. I was homeschooled all my life, but I was at church a lot so I have some semblance of social skills. I played a lot of basketball and football with all of my three friends when I was younger, and I’m pretty sure I could go pro if I wanted. But I won’t, because reasons. 

Mustang: Very inspiring. What do you like to do for fun?

Johnson: If I’m not playing Intramurals with the boys, you can find me playing Smash or studying my Bible. Or studying. Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m currently in the library reading five books at the same time. 

Mustang: Thank you Ethan, very cool. Tell us about some of your favorites.

Johnson: I like to think of myself as a very unique individual. I listen to John Mayer and Relient K; in my rebellious phase I listened to three AC/DC songs. My favorite shows are the Office and Parks and Rec. I also follow football very closely and am a boss at Super Smash Bros. I play guitar too; ladies, hit me up if you want to meet up at the cross and have a jam session. Since we can't drink like other college students, I've substituted coffee for beer, and go to coffee tastings and stuff. My entire wardrobe is from Old Navy and Patagonia. So yeah, you could say I’m a pretty standout guy.

Mustang: Wow, way to set yourself apart from the crowd Ethan. Tell us about your time at TMU.

Johnson: If I’m not hanging out with my roommates in CDUB or desperately trying to get a girlfriend, I’m probably making a joke about how bad the caf food is, or benching 400 at the Fitness Center. I’ve spent my entire tuition for next semester on Trophy Coffee, and now have a crippling caffeine addiction. It’s cool though, I’m getting help. I go to Grace Com, but hang out exclusively with people from Masters there, so I’ve never actually met anyone new. As a Bible Major, I can look down on everyone else for not being as sanctified, which is super tight. 

Mustang: Incredible. Your story is amazing. If you had one thing you could say to our readers, what would that be? 

Johnson: If there are any ladies out there please date me. I’m a junior and I don’t have that much time left. I’m dead serious, I’d even date that one girl from Dixon at this point. Meet me at the gazebo we can have a DTR. 

Mustang: What a spectacular cry for help, Ethan. It’s been an honor to interview such a spectacular unique individual as yourself. If only everyone could be like you.

Subscribe to the Meandering Mustang for more groundbreaking interviews and fascinating stories. 

Gauntlet Achieves Mission, but with a Surprising Twist

The TMU Coronavirus Task Force was successful in their efforts to bring all the students back to campus, but not as any of them expected. 

We spoke with Mike Nesheim about what’s happened. “We told Stead to concentrate on three things: Donor Funds, bringing all the students back to campus, and resurrecting Cathie, in that exact order.” However, there was an error in communication.

“Stead ended up creating a time jump that transported us to the start of the Fall Semester,” said Harry Walls. “So yes, the students are back now, technically, I guess.” Walls went to go ponder the whole situation in one of his fifteen Camaros. 

“Am I mad? It could be worse,” said the anonymous Hotchkiss male. “I mean [redacted] is back on campus now and I don’t have to wait months to ask her out. So hey, I guess there is a silver lining…besides missing an entire summer of my life.” When asked if we could reveal his first name, Josh said yes. However, at TMU, this is still the equivalent of being anonymous.

In other news, Student Accounts discovered $5,000,000 in donor funds miraculously transferred into their system. We spoke with James Phillips, but he would neither confirm nor deny on whether it was from Dr. Stead’s Snap. “Let’s just say that the Lord provides in mysterious ways,” said Phillips.

Joe Keller was sighted hauling off the time machine to unknown whereabouts, which explains how he arrived in Asgard in the first place. The time machine was originally going to be used in Tricia Hulett's next musical, but it has not been seen since Keller was sighted.

Cathie also has been resurrected by Stead’s snap after her apparent death on Vormir. Reportedly, right after materializing, she went back to making pizzas at the caf, yelling something about ID cards on the way there.

Follow the Meandering Mustang for more groundbreaking news and insider information.