“Whatever it Takes” TMU Faculty assemble to take on Coronavirus

Life has been different since ‘the email.’ The roads of Placerita Canyon are now eerily quiet, and the campus is a ghost town. However, six TMU Faculty prepare to change that.

“We’ve assembled a team of highly gifted individuals to find the Infinity Stones and reverse the irreparable damage this virus has caused,” said Mike Nesheim, inventor of Trophy Coffee. Nesheim recently worked with Plant Ops to build a functioning Time Machine. The device currently sits inside the gym, waiting to be used by the Coronavirus Task Force.

Sam Horn filled us in on the details. “We lost. Some our friends, some our jobs. I told everyone that the beginning that this place could kill you. Well, it surely killed the good vibes on campus.” Sam wielded a massive 36-inch shield he said he forged himself in North Carolina. “Glad I finally have a use for it!”

Cathie suited up with her tasers that she uses to stop people stealing bagels from the caf. “I aim to keep my job; if going back in time with Mike and the rest of them is what it takes, then so be it.”

Harry Walls spoke with us as he retrieved his custom bow and arrow set from one of his four Lamborghinis. Walls, in light of recent events, has been training in various forms of judo and Krav Maga. “Our student body deserved better than to have to leave all their friends for the semester. That changes today."

A student from Hotchkiss, who wished to remain anonymous, has also joined the fight. “Oh, why am I going? I was about to ask this girl out right? Then all this happened. If I can’t reverse all this, our relationship is toast! That would make me angry. And believe me, no one likes Hotchkiss when we’re angry.” (The editors of this article would like to add that no one likes Hotchkiss in general.)

Dave Hulett, Dean of Men, wielded a sharp axe and stared at the empty gym, where only Nesheim’s machine sits. “Oh, I’m not just here for the students,” said Hulett as he chopped down a tree at Under the Oaks. “Tricia’s play must go on.” Hulett sported an eyepatch, though it is currently unknown whether he actually lost his eye.

Representatives of the Meandering Mustang were able to get exclusive access to the group’s departure. After a farewell from John Stead, who insisted that despite recent reports he is in fact okay, the group was sucked into the quantum realm. We are still waiting to hear back whether any have made it back from the past with the Infinity Stones. 

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