Senior Comp Test for English Majors Changed to Professor Horner Lead Half-Dome Survival Climb

As always, the Master's University is working to have world-class academics with a Christian perspective. The English Bachelor degree is amongst many majors which have a final senior comprehension exam. This exam dictates whether a student is able to walk in graduation or walk the plank and show up to graduation dripping wet.

A recent inside source reveals that esteemed Doctor Grant Horner is wanting to change the senior exam. Previously the exam consisted of writing five-page analytic essays on Moby Dick, The Iliad, and every Harry Potter book along with diagramming Ephesians 4:3-14 (a 202 word sentence). Instead of all this, Horner is thinking about pursuing a more simple and classical method instead: oral examination with physical exertion. Horner is known for his academic prowess, and his ability to drive to Yosemite on a weekend, climb El Capitan in 20 hours, and then walk back into class without a sunburn Monday morning. Now, he is thinking that this dynamic of academics and physical exertion is exactly what will set TMU's English department apart and bring greater Christlike character. The senior comp exam will then be a Half-Dome rock climb ascent featuring oral examination, sanctification, and flexation led by Horner himself.

Seniors beware! Our source says that those who can't recite sections of "Paradise Lost" whilst climbing are doomed to fail. Yet there may be hope: making it under 17 hours (Horner's record making first ascent time of El Capitan) is an automatic pass. Other possible questions may be about how Bella Swan is like King Saul, how the Bible, Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars all have the same storyline and how Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream is a parallel with the book of Proverbs. It's too soon to tell how intense the questioning will be,  because you may not be able to speak from sheer climbing exhaustion. What about those physically unable? They will have to undergo stimulation of the climb by being plugged into the same rig featured in Ready Player One, asked many questions, and will feel the emotions and physical tiredness of a Music Major during juries. 

How then to prepare?
Climb that tree in your backyard 4 times a day along with 127 pushups, 77 Bible arm circles, and a YouTube military ab workout. Make sure you're able to analyze a sonnet, make a limerick, recite Paradise Lost and Calvin's Institutes word for word, be able to cross reference Lord of the Flies with Pride and Prejudice, understand postmodern thought influenced by Fredrick Nietze, dive into the themes in Frankenstein, and yes, you still probably have to diagram Ephesians 4:3-14.

TMU will be offering an English Senior Seminar boot camp next summer, led by that really buff guy that is in the guard shack. Register on content management.

Good Luck seniors on preparing this summer!

For more updates about senior comp exams study tips, follow the Meandering Mustang.

NEW 4DX D-Box experience for TMU Chapel announced

This week, Director of Student Services: Adam Ashoff, announced publicly on Twitter that The Masters University has partnered with the South Korean CJ Corporation to integrate cutting edge 4DX D-Box cinematic technology to their chapel services.

"We've been noticing that most students fall asleep or tend to doze off during chapel after pulling 'all-nighters' and such. This is our effort to keep students fully engaged with the worship and sermons preached every week."

Students will be required to wear 4DX glasses that will "draw them into the experience like never before."

"Worship and sermon slides will appear as though they are right in front of the wearer. Johnathan Nah himself will appear so close that you'll be able to notice the smallest flaw in his otherwise perfect hair cut."

Reports say that the newly implemented D-Box chairs will be designed to move with the beat and melodies of chapel band, and also will track with any motions or movements made by the preachers on stage. 

John Macarthur himself was brought in to test the technology by making hand motions as he would usually do when preaching. President Macarthur smiled as he watched the chairs follow his hands, leaning left to right, spinning around, and rocking violently back-and-forth every time he shook his fist.

"It's always encouraging when you can visually see the ways God affects other people's lives through you." said President Macarthur.

Thanos agrees to return infinity stones after several counseling sessions with Dr. Greg Gifford

At approximately 4:00pm on Sunday June 2nd, Thanos, the titan responsible for wiping out exactly 50% of your loved ones, publicly announced that he has agreed to return the infinity stones to the Avengers to restore life to the universe.

When questioned on this sudden change of heart, Thanos revealed he had been meeting with Dr. Greg Gifford concerning spiritual life following “the snap.” 

Dr. Gifford patiently worked through the 8 "I's" of counseling with Thanos, diving into the heart issues of why he does what he does. In the end, Thanos was convicted of his actions, realizing that his heart idol was balance.

“Christ will make creation perfectly balanced, as all things should be.” The Mad Titan stated after confessing his life to his newfound savior Jesus Christ.

“You see, I explained to Thanos that if he gets biblical change right, what begins to take place is that he must put off the old man, be renewed by the Holy Spirit, and put on the new man.” Dr. Gifford said when talking about the counseling process with Thanos.

"It's a good thing Dr. Gifford wasn't one of the 50% wiped out in the snap!" exclaimed one Biblical Counseling student.

When questioned on what he believes will become of the universe now, Thanos had this to say:

“Dread it, run from it, destiny comes all the same. Christ is inevitable.”

After saying this, Thanos walked off to watch the sun set on a grateful universe.