Good job young freshman! Despite ignoring my advice of not dating after WOW week, you've manage to survive your first few weeks of school, made good friends, and have decent grades!
Get ready to say goodbye to ALL of that.
GOTCHA week is upon us, and the entire campus turns into a giant "kill-or-be-killed" battle arena where only the strong and the clever survive. Friendships will be shattered, classes will be skipped, and sleep will be lost.
So what extensive wisdom do we offer to equip you for surviving this campus wide blood-bath?
WIN. Whatever it takes, whatever the cost. Play hardcore, sacrifice everything, and you'll be kissing that sweet sweet cash prize soon enough. Here's how it's done:
Screw your grades and social life.
You think you can get through gotcha with a decent GPA and friends? WRONG. This is exactly the opportunity to prey on those who are actually concerned with doing well in school. Their fateful minds are focused on the things of this world. Skip every class and dorm event, and hunt all those who actually attend them.
Die to yourself.
Because this is Masters, I always have to find a way to Biblically justify my methods. In Gotcha week, you become someone else. Shave your head, paint your skin, and get plastic surgery if you need to. The less of "you" that exists, the better (Luke 9:23).
Claim that bathroom stall you'll be camping out in for 5 hours.
Hunting takes planning. Is your target on C-dub third floor while you live in Hotchkiss? Time for a little camp out.
Screw your health.
Skip that cafe. Skip sleep. Skip breathing. While everyone is watching out for these things, you're here to get them while they least expect it. Sure, you'll be coughing up blood next week, but you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
Get your target by any means necessary.
Sweazy girl getting off of work in lower-cafe at 10:00pm? Looks like it's time to get a group of guys together and literally kidnap her! *(cough, c-dub, cough)*
What's that? Your target is running away? Let's all physically incapacitate her and make sure she goes nowhere! *(cough, hotchkiss, cough)*
If you don't play, you're lame.
I don't care if you think there is more to life than this game. You're wrong. I've been playing for three years straight, and even though I don't have any friends and I'm still a freshman because of all the classes I failed, I have no regrets. We're shooting for that eternal reward.
Never accept defeat.
The judges have no idea what they are talking about. Who cares if they're composed of members from every dorm and just want to make it a fun week. If they tell you that you lost "fair and square," get angry and throw a temper tantrum that would make a five-year old jealous. That's what I've done every year so far, and if we get more people to do it, the judges will stop being unfair. This game is not meant to be played casually.
There you have it guys! Let's get out there and start killing each other!
Appendix: Gotcha Dorm Guide
HOTCHKISSHotchkiss is a strong contender for Gotcha every year, but that's mainly because of their demonic powers and cultish network. If you betray Hotchkiss as one of their own, prepare to face the cleansing process of re-baptism in the Hotchkiss pool. The only means of redemption is to die to yourself.
DIXON
Dixon has a few competitive members, but often they simply fade into the background during Gotcha week since they don't value it as much. Remember when the Dixon catchphrase was "Why be savage when you can just chill?" Yeah, that pretty much sums up their competition here. Dixon is simply too nice and sweet for the blood-fest that is gotcha week.
SLIGHT
Slight is already like an impenetrable military bunker in which the fearful may hide, and oh, many a Slight resident does indeed hide. Slight residents play the "hit-and-run" strategy of charging out of their dorm, taking a kill, and then disappearing inside to never be seen again.
WALDOCK
Waldock is like an untapped goldmine of potential. There is such a strong sense of camaraderie between the men here, but it is never truly utilized. Sad.
C-DUB
C-Dub is always somewhere in-between every year. One year the men essentially became the Mafia and started blackmailing its own residents to join its alliance or instead be terrorized by their betrayal. This alliance quickly dissolved faster than an ice cube in an oven. Most of the time, C-Dub's lack of Dorm spirit and leads to it's own unfortunate downfall.
OFF-CAMPUS
Whoops, almost forgot to include this one, but then again so did everyone else. Good luck catching these guys, because they're slippery.
SWEAZY
You've heard the legends about how some men and women turn into mythical beings known as "werewolves" when bathed in the crystal light of the full moon. Thus does the light of Gotcha week do so to the female residents of Sweazy dorm. They become beasts, hardly resembling the sweet women that invited you to the lounge for tea and a game of ping-pong a week ago. United by a collective consciousness and a lust for blood, Sweazy becomes a monster that no man should ever face alone during Gotcha week, which is why they've won two years in a row.
