With major renovations being made to The Master’s University in preparation for the Fall 2020 semester, anticipation is at an all-time high. The Meandering Mustang has been given exclusive scoop on many of the renovations the school is currently planning, building, and completing. In no particular order, we’ve put together a list of some of the most notable and exciting additions to life at Master’s.
- The Quigley Canyon Bowl
This state-of-the-art venue will be located in the beautiful ambience of the Open Space. It’s goal is to provide quality musical entertainment over the school year. Possible entertainment could include Kanye West, Abner Chou on violin, and that one cringy Blend act we try not to think about. The university is currently in talks with Matt Redman to return, except this time with an American accent as to not cause further confusion. Estimated cost: $200 million dollars
- Solomon’s Temple
Why send students to the Holy Land itself at IBEX when you can see accurate biblical history on campus? The Temple is a faithful reconstruction of Solomon’s Temple, complete with actual gold plating, live animal sacrifices, and a spiritual light show called “The Holy of Holies.” The targeted site is the soccer field, though the outer courts could stretch all the way to the baseball field. Sadly, it will not work as the perfect dating spot as women are strictly forbidden to go beyond the outer Court of the Women. Estimated cost: $845 million collars.
- The Wild West Hall
Sick of RDs, RAs, and WAs keeping you accountable, or even just talking to you? Located at the far end of C-Dub lot, the Wild West dorm is a new dormitory without any student staff or dorm leaders, with the purpose of creating the most comfortable and free atmosphere. In this dorm that’s already been dubbed the CHAZ of Master’s, the Student Handbook is heresy and Student Life has no authority. This dorm is the perfect choice for all the slackers, rule-breakers, and hypocrites! Estimated cost: TBD, Student funded.
- DTR Center
Everyone knowss the gazebo Under the Oaks is the worst place for a Define The Relationship talk. But it can still be so much worse! The newly-built DTR Center, which will be located at that random grass field on North Campus, would provide such amenities as certified ACBC students to help facilitate heart talks, and loudspeakers inside blaring out your personal drama to the entire campus community, for no reason other than to spread word more quickly than it already does. The dreaded discussions would of course take place in indoor gazebos. Estimated cost: $20 million tear-soaked dollars.
- Kanye West Voting Booth
This is just an on-campus official state voting booth dedicated to voting for Kanye West in the 2020 Presidential Election. Estimated cost: $500,000 dollars.
- The Coffee Megacenter
Why have one coffee shop on campus when you could have five? The Coffee Center would be a minimall of the five most popular coffee shops in the area: Undergrounds, Trophy, Honu, Steeple House, and Starbucks. Located at the previous location of Dixon Hall, which is currently being demolished. Estimated cost: the hard-earned cash of struggling students.
- John MacArthur Viewing Centre
When Chancellor John MacArthur is working at his desk in the chancellor’s building, Students will be able to purchase tickets to see him through bullet-proof glass. In one of the most exciting renovations on the campus, students will now have the opportunity to view John MacArthur for up to 15 minutes. He can be seen working on a sermon, doing paperwork, and even praying. Payment is by the second. Estimated Cost: $40 million dollars.
- COVID-bots
With state-of-the-art robotics and AI technology, approximately 10% of the new students will secretly be androids designed to put a stop to any spread of COVID-19. If a student shows any symptoms of the virus at any location on campus, the robots will alert authorities after they terminate the student and burn its remains. Some of the student staff will be also killer robots, occasionally adopting the identities of students who were already attending. The Wild West Dorm will be the only dorm without COVID-bots. Estimated Costs: $700 million dollars per robot.
- Masters to Grace Hyperloop
Seeing how closely TMU and Grace Community Church are connected, a brand new hyperloop system aims to connect them even more. The TMU-GCC Hyperloop will stretch through the valley, and cut the commute down from 25 minutes to under 30 seconds. Massive parcels of real estate have already been purchased and the construction has begun. Estimated cost: $750 million for the Hyperloop, $900 million to buy the land, and $400 million in damage costs from the accidental forest fire.
- The Master’s Homeless Shelter
Located in the canyons behind the cross, the Master’s University Homeless Shelter will feature fine dining, a movie theater, a bowling alley, biblical counseling, and live broadcasting of chapel and a multitude of classes, such as Prof Suzuki’s Studies In Anime class. Showers for the homeless will be carried out as usual in Slight Hall. The center would also be available to all Off Campus students as well. Estimated cost: $45 million dollars.That wraps up the scoop on the new renovations at The Master’s University! We’re so excited to see these new places in use in the new semester!UPDATE: There's been talk of a seperate project called 'The Money Holes'. Students are strongly recommended to throw money into random holes across campus. It is suspected that the money from these holes will be used to fund the opening of more coffee shops on campus.
